Fresh (2022)

I’m going to skip out on mentioning the scare of this podcast-instigated movie, because honestly even knowing the genre is bad enough of a spoiler without going into detail. The style was “female director”, which makes honestly a lot of sense, as focused as the movie is on the frustrations and fears that women face in the dating world. So I would say it delivered here, and it thoroughly delivered on the scare. You know, the one I’m not mentioning.

Fresh stars Daisy Edgar-Jones[1] as a single girl in like Portland maybe?, who is tired of online dating. Evidence: the first scene in which a literal Chad takes her on a crappy date, insults her date garb, then gets pissy when she doesn’t want the date to continue. So it’s just her and her sassy best friend against the world, except that she meets Sebastian Stan at the grocery store, via his best line about cotton candy grapes. And then they start dating, and then they bang, and then they go away for the weekend, and then… well, for one thing, and then, bam, title card! Some 30 or 40 minutes into the movie. Title card, and opening credits. Possibly a bit too clever, but it worked for me.

Anyway, what’s important here is, it turns out that this romantic comedy might have a second, underlying genre, if you know what I mean and I think you must, considering the subject matter of Random Number Generator Horror Podcast #9. So now our characters must untangle their situationship and find out if two crazy kids can find a way to make it in a world which mostly caters to billionaires and married people.

The reason I’m caring so much about spoilers here, anyway, is because I really very much liked the movie, and you should too! It’s pretty solid throughout, except that the ending was just a little bit twee. Still, though, the ride between point B and point C is legit, even if point C was a bit of a letdown.

[1] who you don’t know from the War of the Worlds TV series from 2019, and probably don’t know from anything else, even though her name is maddeningly familiar.

Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man

Been a minute since a new podcast movie. Partly this is because I’ve been out of the house a lot the past few weeks due to various broken things. Partly because even before that I finally got several “I’ve already seen this” in a row podcast episodes that required no film viewing. But also enough time passed since I knew I needed to watch this one that I’ve completely forgotten the categories.

Twenty seconds of research later… this movie’s scare was werewolf, and the style was sequel plus. Which brings us to maybe the very first movie to establish a cinematic universe: Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man. So what happens is, Larry Talbot was killed in his Wolfman movie, and Frankenstein’s monster was killed in his Frankenstein movie, and the execs at Universal Pictures had a real pickle on their hands when they realized that, hey, it’s the 1940s and both Boris Karloff and Lon Chaney are still alive, we have to cash in on this, only, how???

So in phase one (of the plan, not the MCU[1]), some graverobbers open Talbot’s crypt, but it’s a) night time, b) a full moon, and c) they foolishly covered the crypt in wolfsbane, which they justifiably thought would repel werewolves instead of resurrecting them, but oops, now he’s alive again. And still a wolf, and still miserable about being a wolf, so in phase two he goes and finds a gypsy lady from his previous movie who tells him that Baroness Elsa Frankenstein might be able to help him not be immortal via her father’s research into life after death, under the theory that death after life is probably the same wheelhouse I guess.

So off they go, pissing off a bunch of villagers who are not a fan of the dude who owned the castle up the hill, and hey, uh-oh, those burned bones they found must have belonged to someone else, because here’s the Monster frozen in the side of a wall. All that’s left is to have some gratuitous racism[2] against the old gypsy woman, find a mad scientist willing to hook up electrodes to those neck bolts, and also for some reason let’s keep doing this stuff only when the moon is full, no way we could wait an extra week before getting started, is there, and before you know it, the battle of the century is underway.

Chaney’s wolfman is appropriately soulful, never missing a chance to express his misery with either word, expression, or deed. Karloff’s monster would be a cipher cum caricature, until you remember that no, this is what other people were caricaturing in the first place. All in all, it was a whole lot of plot getting in the way of a disappointingly short battle royale, but still worth having seen. I think the only one of these I’ve seen before is the one with Abbott and Costello, and you have to admit they were intellectually bankrupt by that point in the, let’s say, series.

This one, by contrast, worked very hard to be an actual sequel to both movies it was combining, back when nobody even knew that could be done. If nothing else, respect for the ground they broke!

[1] Monster Cinematic Universe. They kinda get dibs on the acronym, to be honest.
[2] The danger of a period piece that was still made almost a hundred years ago is you cannot tell if the people being so casually and pointlessly racist are themselves caricatures that show the then-modern audience how far we’ve come, or if, no, that’s just racist script-writers and directors playing to a racist audience. …but probably it’s the second one.

Spider-Man: Brand New Day

The drive-in will never die. …but some individual instances and even chains do. Although I guess there are not just a ton of drive-in chains in the first place, are there? Anyway, The Coyote Drive-In in Fort Worth (and briefly, in Lewisville, not 5 miles from my house) shut down on Labor Day, and as of today, it no longer exists. Having seen this coming, we snuck the kids out late, and by the time we were rolling into the parking lot, both were sound asleep. And thusly, at 9:30 on a Friday night, we saw Tom Holland’s fourth Spider-Man movie. Yay, the drive-in! Boo, the loss of the drive-in.

When last we saw our hero, literally nobody remembered his existence.[1] Now it’s four, maybe five years later. He continues to stop street-level bad guys in Manhattan and pine over MJ and argue morality with the Punisher. You know, all the things you’d expect now that they have put Frank Castle back into the MCU and given multiple characters years’ worth of backstory that hasn’t made it to the screen.[2] If that sounds snide, it wasn’t meant to. It feels less like a cheap trick, and more like those “I stopped reading comics when I went to college, but you lured me back and man have things changed!” …or (depending on the author) “stayed the same!” missives to the letter column. Nobody has time to read every comic ever published[3], and having this kind of “stuff changed while I was away” thing makes the world feel more lived in.

But then, while stopping a very determined runaway tank, Spidey comes to find that the criminal is a… what? Ghost? Body thief? Mind controller? with unclear motives but who is essentially unstoppable. Therefore, he does what he does, and we have ourselves a movie, one with a Bruce Banner cameo no less. Which brings me back around to that 5 year gap from the previous movie. See, depending on how you math, it’s been at least five years since the Blip, maybe as much as six. And I know I just said I like that lived-in feel, but last couple of times I saw Banner (that I can recall), he was a happy-go-lucky smart Hulk, fully integrated. And I just have to wonder what I missed between them and now.

Anyway, though, I am incapable I think of disliking a Spider-Man movie. Even the third one with Tobey Maguire has aged favorably now that I’ve seen some of the runs on which it was based. So take my recommendation for what it’s worth, but yeah, it’s a good time.

[1] There were arguably good reasons for it.
[2] I’ll get back to this.
[3] Ask me how I know.

Shake Rattle & Roll 2k5

So here’s a twist. There’s a fifteen movie horror anthology series from the Philippines, and I’ve literally never heard of it. Anyway, the podcast randomization was giant blank as the scare, and anthology as the style, and that anthology series is what they picked. I have no idea how they selected this particular entry in the series, which had no giant anythings. But Shake Rattle & Roll 2k5 was certainly an anthology, at least. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t very good.

So, first story was a comedic take on a spirit talker medium lady who is also a scam artist, and her crew that helps her pull off seeming convincingly spooky. They take one last job, and, whoops, the spooky stuff is real this time! It was never quite funny, and never quite spooky, but it was enough of each.

In the second story, there’s a haunted aquarium, though it seemed to me like the mask in the aquarium was the bigger problem, and the family (mother, father, son, live-in maid) who just moved into the condo must deal with said haunted aquarium. More spooky, but less funny.

The third story lost all pretense of being funny at all, when a dude and his pregnant girlfriend or maybe wife move away from the inlaws, but into a nest of Filipino folk shapeshifter cannibals. Except for no main character having a motivation that made a lick of sense, this one was okay.

All in all: meh. …or maybe I needed to have watched one through six. Plus, I paid $2 for the dubious please of its company, which cannot have helped my attitude.

Scream 7

The SCU strikes again!

Scream 7 is, in all ways that it is important to be, a Scream movie. It has a villain or villains who want to right a perceived wrong by killing Sidney Prescott. It has a news reporter hoping to make a big break and/or comeback. It has a character who is desperate to explain the rules of Scream movies. It has absolute buckets of blood spilled by various stab wounds, most of which should be far more debilitating than they turn out to be. Are you really looking for something else here?

I was, it turns out. I shouldn’t have been, it was a mistake. But two important things happened to lead me in the wrong direction.

  1. There was a really catastrophically dumb mislead just for the purpose of being a mislead, and the worst part is I could have fixed it in the script with maybe ten or twenty seconds of different dialogue and slightly different actions, with no long term damage to the end product.
  2. Well, okay, two is a massive spoiler, so behind the cut it goes.

Continue reading →

MaXXXine

Remember X? Back when I watched that movie and its prequel in a row one lovely Friday night, the sequel to X had not yet been released. And then of course time did what it does, but in the past couple of days I finally saw MaXXXine, which is as I said a sequel to X, but it’s not not a sequel to Pearl. The characters share nearly as much as the actors do, and that’s really saying something.

We pick up Maxine Minx six years later, reaching the end of her shelf life as a very popular porn actress but still determined to break into real Hollywood stardom. And it looks like she’s finally found her way in, if it wasn’t for all the pesky murders swirling around her. Again.

The one thing that makes me sad is I cannot place what movie this is probably an homage to. Well, two things counting the spoiler below the cut.

Continue reading →

Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte

There’s this ’80s song by Kim Carnes called Bette Davis Eyes, which I had always previously assumed was about “her”[1] being super attractive in a golden age of Hollywood kind of way. It is not a song for which I have paid extremely close attention to the lyrics. But I think I will have to the next time I hear it, because after seeing her[2] turn as Charlotte Hollis, I have a very different impression of what Bette Davis eyes actually are.

The podcast randomization was normal people as the scare, and period piece as the style. And, okay, technically the first 10 minutes were in a different period, but I think it is fair to say that a movie made in 1964 and set in 1964 for the remaining two hours is not truly a period piece. Oh well, they’ve missed before, they’ll miss again. It’s not a big deal when the movies are good, or at least fun. And Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte is definitely good, albeit not as good as it would have been if the one sentence description on Hoopla hadn’t been a massive spoiler. Oh well for that.

So the deal is, Charlotte is the daughter of the guy who owns the Louisiana southern gothic plantation town where they live and that is named after him. Well, probably after his daddy, or his granddaddy. Whatever. In 1927, Charlotte is about to elope with a married man, only her daddy found out and put a stop to it. So he breaks up with her at a big garden party, and next thing you know, his hand and head are chopped off and with a meat cleaver, Charlotte is covered in his blood, and the murder was never solved, and it’s 37 years later, and Charlotte is the old crazy lady in a decaying mansion who kids sing rhymes about because even though she got away with it, everyone knows she did it, oh and also they’re about to tear down her mansion to make way for a new hyperspace bypass, and so she asks her cousin to come help her out of this jam. Because with daddy long dead and her particular social circumstances, Hollisport doesn’t really belong to the Hollises anymore.

The rest of the movie is Charlotte slowly going crazy as time and circumstance and the people around her gradually close in on the last tattered shreds of her sanity. It’s a hell of a character study, and even if the best acting in the 1960s does not hold a candle to the best acting today, it still runs rings around average acting today. Plus, I’ll always be a fan of psychological thrillers from the point of view of the crazy person, because it’s impossible to know what’s actually going on. And that is my favorite way to watch a movie, not actually knowing what comes next. (Which I sort of did in this case, but also sort of did not. And that in itself is an impressive piece of storytelling, when even spoilers can be subverted.)

[1] The her in question regarding the line, “she’s got Bette Davis eyes”
[2] Bette Davis’s, I mean

The Odyssey (2026)

I was told that The Odyssey is the continuation of a conversation Christopher Nolan started with Oppenheimer (which I have not seen). I was also told that it was okay, I did not have to do homework, I would just have a different experience if I watched it fresh versus as a “sequel”.

I’m not sure that’s true, as it happens. Now, I’ll admit that if nobody had mentioned Oppenheimer at all, I might not see the connection, although then again maybe I would, since U’d still know it was his previous movie. Like I said, I have not seen that movie and I do not know what happened in it. But I do know who Oppenheimer is, which is to say the father of the atomic bomb, the guy who watched the first one explode, knowing it might ignite the atmosphere and destroy the planet[1], and quoted The Bhagavad Gita: “I am become death, destroyer of worlds.” These are all things that I know already. So when I watch Odysseus spend an entire movie wrestling with the fact that he just changed the world forever, and that everyone except him is paying for it… look, I can connect two dots, you know?

Anyway, the stuff that happens is what you would expect to happen if you’ve read the story before[2], told out of order in a way that is indicative of a Nolan film, but not a confusing puzzle box mystery, really, just out of order for dramatic effect. The acting is tremendous, the visuals are tremendous, and I can only imagine how much moreso the 70mm IMAX version would have been. Maybe someday.

The only thing that dragged was maybe the final action setpiece, and perhaps if I had not already known the outcome, that one would have been fine as well. But it felt a bit obligatory, which is never a good sign. All in all, I will continue Nolan to be a good director who has interesting things to say, but who is not perhaps the voice of a generation.

Really though, even having vision as grandiose as Spielberg’s or Lucas’s is pretty amazing. Not having the voice to go along with it is fine. You’re still amazing at what you do. (For a counterpoint to this, see Cameron, who has the right voice, but only vary sporadically the vision, even though he thinks he does. Honestly, if he didn’t think his vision was in the same scope as the other three, he might be a little better at what he does. But then again, some of those singular moments of vision might have been lost, so I guess he can keep overestimating himself.)[3]

[1] As it happens, this did not occur.
[2] which by the way you should! It’s pretty great.
[3] Why nobody pays me for this quality of insight, I’ll never know.
[4] I’ve been mulling over the sole tagline provided for the movie posters as a collective (in that most of them have no tagline; as usual, the one that does is also the best of the bunch visually), “Defy the gods”, for the past 5 minutes or so. I find it interesting that, with one massive exception (albeit the same exception twice), this is what he spends the entire movie not doing, and also that the two times he does do it are the only times he wins. I’m not sure what lesson or moral or thematic resonance to take from this, considering the cost each time.

The Addiction (1995)

It’s been a while since I have been faced with categories this easy to remember. I have never heard of The Addiction, but boy howdy did it meet the intersection of vampires as scare and 1990s as style. You know how Clerks screams indie comedy, from the dawn of independent cinema? This is like that, but for thesis horror, here defined as “horror for people who would never admit that horror has value, so I made an art house flick instead.”

So what’s actually happening is Lili Taylor is an NYU philosophy student, grappling with important topics like who, at a generation’s remove from the events, was the actual bad guy in Vietnam? But between walking around town to the soothing strains of gangster rap, she gets introduced to heroin.[1] And then she takes the heroin to each of her friends and classmates and professors who she is also dating, and gets them addicted to heroin as well. At one point, a dude tries to tell her about Jesus, and he does not get addicted to heroin, but neither does she quit her addiction and move to the suburbs.

That’s it. That’s the whole movie.

Wait. You said this was a thesis horror movie dressed up as art house drama. That’s just purely arthouse drama. What gives?

Oh. Crap. Um. Let me do some quick rewrites here. Um, let’s see. Okay, what if she’s bitten by a vampire, and then wanders around doing soliloquies in dark sunglasses about who the bad guy really is, but also turning all of her classmates and friends and professors who she is also dating into vampires? And the vampirism is a metaphor for heroin, you see.

Ah. Yes, that would fix it.

Well there you go then!

[1] Or maybe meth, but I think it’s too early to have been movie meth, even in movie New York.

Junkster

You know those platformer games where you are trying to collect all of the things, because collecting those things allows you to collect other things and eventually achievements, but really there’s just something satisfying about knowing you found them all? Like with the Koroks in Breath of the Wild, but if it were actually possible? Or, in this case, if it were incredibly easy.

Junkster luckily has a gimmick. Yes you’re jumping around and fighting space monsters occasionally, but also like half the game is about solving puzzles by building new paths out of the junk you find. There are all shapes and sizes of stuff, from square, to small square, to rectangle, to skinny rectangle, and you attach them to little platforms that can only hold so many, and you have to figure out the way to use them to get where you want to be. Sometimes there’s a timed puzzle element, sometimes there’s a robot you build and then navigate with, sometimes it’s just getting to somewhere impossibly far away or impossibly high. Lots of variety across the twentyish levels.

I can’t exactly recommend it, but it was a bit of not quite mindless fun spread out over like six or ten hours, and also at the end I had another 1000 points of gamerscore on my account. So, y’know.