As Boas Maneiras

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This movie is way too easy to spoil, and so I report with a great deal of satisfaction (both for myself as a viewer and also for myself as a writer) that I do not have to give anything away by explaining what random elements came together for this to be my next podcast horror movie. The scare was mythological, and the style was from the 2010s. See? Nothing. And the title of the movie, Good Manners, is if anything more opaque, to the point that I still do not fully understand how it fit with anything I watched, at least not in a specific way.

The movie is essentially a play in two acts. In the first act, a pregnant woman who is recently isolated from her former life hires a nanny about midway through the pregnancy, with the intent to get her help around the house and at appointments leading up to the birth, and then transition her from helper / housekeeper to full time actual nanny. The prospective nanny, herself rather isolated from her own former life such as it may have been, forms a fast bond with her employer. But then she starts to notice certain oddities.

In the second act, seven years later, an isolated mother and her son navigate their isolation, his allergies and related special needs, the secret that lies between them, and his growing dissatisfaction with the carefully crafted strictures that fence his existence. Also, mostly but not exclusively in the second act, there are random musical numbers that come across as Greek chorus-like, even though main characters are often the ones singing.

The movie: mostly pretty great. Solid slow boil tension, compelling characters, sense of impending, unavoidable doom. The music numbers: weird, but also very distinctive.

Blood of Dragons

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I have now finished four out of five Robin Hobb serieses. Look at me go!

Blood of Dragons was on the one hand extremely satisfying, because I feel that one of the stories she’s been telling has reached a natural conclusion. I now feel that I know the fate of dragons and the Elderlings, in this world. Of course there’s room to tell more stories if she wanted to, because isn’t there always? But I mean, in broad strokes, this ending has told a complete story.

On the other hand, some of the plot turns were not particularly satisfying at all, because there was no real sense of danger. Which is a very strange thing to say about Hobb, who in the past has been willing to do almost anything to destroy her characters. Example, and without wanting to go into specifics, but there’s a character who is in legitimate danger of death, except that a different character depends on the survival of the first character, and I could not for a second believe the second character was actually in danger, and so therefore, transitively…

At other times, I still felt the danger, so I’m not saying she’s lost the touch or that this was bad, exactly. It just… is not what I was expecting. And maybe one way to reset my expectations is to return to my prior point about how it was clearly the end of a storyline in the overarching tale, and maybe that should leave some room for expecting a happy ending.

But that’s just it. I want Fitz to have a happy ending in the next trilogy, whenever I read it, but I don’t want to feel like it’s a given. Then again, none of the relationships that were in danger felt safe at all, until they were fully resolved. And Fitz’s failures, at least after the first couple of books, were always mostly on the relationship side. So maybe I should stop worrying about not having to worry about.

The Boy Behind the Door

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Unbelievably, I squoze in some time to watch a movie that was not podcast driven! The Boy Behind the Door is about the kidnapping of two boys. Six hours ago, they were practicing baseball and best friendship, but then they were grabbed and driven in the trunk to a remote house, where one of them is dragged away into the house and the other is left in the trunk.

What follows is 90 minutes of nearly real-time tension, usually on the right side of plausible, if usually only barely on the right side of plausible. Example: why didn’t the boy who escaped just go find the police? The overt reason, that he’s young enough to think their promise never to leave each other behind[1] is worth just getting caught again and helping nobody, is pretty believable of an 8 year old or whatever they are. The actual reason, that what if the cops don’t believe him and he really is leaving his friend to a dark fate, is… like I said, it’s plausible.

But I do have one real complaint. If you play the drinking game where every time someone leaves a weapon that they just used on the ground instead of a) continuing to use it to press your advantage, or at least b) saving it for later plus not leaving it in the hands of your enemies, if as I was saying every time that happens, you have to take a shot?

Good luck, buddy. Good luck.

[1] In a different context than kidnapping, but a promise they had just made

The Brood

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I have not seen many David Cronenberg movies. The Dead Zone and The Fly in my misspent youth.[1] Rabid, via The Last Drive-In. Videodrome recently also via my horror podcast. And now The Brood. The scare was “evil science”, and the style was wildcard, i.e. they just picked six evil science movies and then rolled again to see what they watched. So, technically, no specific style.

This was a weird movie, but until the last 15 minutes it was not what I think of as David Cronenberg weird. See, there’s this father of a small girl who easily could have been (but probably was not) Carol Ann from Poltergeist. And his ex-wife is institutionalized at a weird experimental psychiatry place that has a name that stood out to me[2] but which I can no longer recall, which the lead psychiatrist has published work about. The husband is annoyed that he’s never allowed to talk to her, but once he finds that his daughter is all bruised up after one of her weekly visits to mom’s padded room[3], he goes immediately scorched earth. Which is fair, but it’s no surprise to learn that Cronenberg had just gone through a contentious divorce / custody battle, because this script and direction, both of which he was responsible for, are informed by said battle in every frame and every line.

This does not sound like a horror movie though, right? That’s only because I haven’t mentioned yet how random deformed dwarfs[4] or possibly children have started killing everyone who might have somehow crossed the mother. Nor how everyone the father can find who has graduated from this particular psych ward seems crazier than when they went in, but also how damn few have graduated in the first place. And especially because I haven’t explained my mention about the last 15 minutes when it goes full Cronenberg and finally earns its title.

But honestly, don’t watch it for the horror or the mystery. Watch it for just how unhappy Cronenberg was about his divorce / custody battle. Because… wow.

[1] “and Dune, obviously,” I nearly said, but no, that’s David Lynch. Other people superficially mix them up, right? It’s not just me?
[2] I’m not saying he was going for the feeling of it being Dianetics, but I’m not not saying that, if you catch my drift.
[3] Probably her room is not padded. I don’t think I ever saw her in any context that was not the therapy room though, so who knows?
[4] I know what you’re thinking, but I’m pretty sure the actors were not little people, is why I am choosing my terminology as such.

The Palace of Glass

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I have now read three books out of four in the Forbidden Library series, just really quickly compared to my usual pace. This is directly because the boy is just about obsessed with them. When I finished the third book a couple of nights ago, he asked me to immediately start book four, even though I have several books from the library he wanted to read and also a lot of new books in his very favorite series, Press Start[1], chronicling the video game adventures of Super Rabbit Boy, who he dressed as on “bring your favorite book character to school” day.

All of that to say, these are popular in the household. Also legit good; thanks to whoever recommended Django Wexler as an author. I should read one of his adult books sometime!

In The Palace of Glass, our heroine Alice makes plans to support her reactions to the information she gained in book two. …okay, yes, I’m trying to avoid spoilers, but that’s too damn vague. Let me try again.

As I was saying, Alice makes plans to take her revenge on the party or parties that were revealed in the second book as responsible for the death[2] of her father, back at the beginning of book one. But along the way to executing those plans, she gains an inkling of the cost that may accrue if she does. And, as it happens, the inkling she gains is not a fraction of the true cost that might exist. It’s a middle grade book, so I’m not surprised Wexler didn’t dig out the old chestnut about digging two graves, but if he had, he could quickly have turned it around to “or a thousand, and that’s only if you’re lucky.”

The only real kidbook sin the series commits is making Alice maybe a little overpowered. But honestly, I think he does a decent job of earning it? That said, what she’s been relying on so far shouldn’t help nearly as much in the final book. I look forward to learning how things land. Only, not for a few weeks yet. Maybe a couple months?

[1] Too short/young to bother reviewing, but they’re decent. Graphic novels, basically, which in addition to telling game stories have underlying lessons about sharing, family harmony, perseverance, that kind of thing. Good way to push life lessons, if you ask me. There’s a TV series on Peacock, which I should investigate sometime.
[2] Apparent death? Call me a softie, but I’m still not convinced that’s truly what happened. It remains to be seen!

Green Room

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I know I said I have a lot of new movies from the horror podcast in a row, and this is evidence of that. But even though it’s only been a few days, I could zero percent remember the categories they randomized! I’m just astonishingly bad at that. But okay, they tell me right at the beginning of the episode, which makes things easier. So anyway, Green Room is at the intersection of “hunter/hunted” as the scare and “critically acclaimed” as the style.

Which, of course it’s critically acclaimed! It has Patrick Stewart in it, what else would you expect?!

The premise is at least relatively straightforward. Unsuccessful punk band on tour in the Pacific Northwest, and they’re on their way home, one siphoned gas tank at a time (because of how they are not successfully earning the money to pay for the gas for the tour, much less any extra). Once their out-of-the-way stop based on a fan tip is a complete bust, he apologizes by promising them something that really will make them money, and is not out of the way. Just, don’t talk politics with them, because they’re the kind of punk music fans that shave their heads and have lightning bolt tattoos, if you know what I mean. …and I think you just might.

So of course they piss off the Nazis at the Nazi bar by playing as their first song something whose chorus is basically (or literally? I don’t recall) “fuck Nazis!”, but then before they are thrown bottlesed off the stage, they settle into music that is a little more palatable. So I guess everything would have been okay, only when they took their break between sets they went into the wrong, and I use this term only because the movie heavily implies it via the title, green room, and saw something they should not have seen, and suddenly they’re in a tense standoff.

I think what makes this movie the most horrifying, aside from the extensive gore I mean, is how true it is. This is exactly the kind of situation you could really find yourself in, with just one or two bad choices and a lot of bad luck. No isolated, inbred families or youth cults required, just people that we all know exist and try to stay away from the places where they congregate. …until we don’t, because gasoline tastes terrible, and options have truly run that low.

The lesson is, no they didn’t. Your options have never run this low, and your safest path to survival is realizing it. Oh well. I’m sure Patrick Stewart will be cool about the whole thing, though, right?

…right?

Gau Ji

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Another horror podcast movie. I have a lot in a row right now, it turns out. But anyway, this one’s scare was magic, and style was foreign language. So I watched Dumplings, a Chinese[1] movie from 2004 about a lady who sells specially made dumplings[2] mostly to other women, because of their implausibly effective age-defying and even restorative properties. And about the actress who is approaching the hill and doesn’t want to lose her shitbird husband, but is also maybe more curious than she should be about the cooking process employed. Or, more precisely, about the ingredients.

I think I want to say basically nothing else because of the spoilers, even though there’s really a lot to cover. I should say this, though. I have not been scared by a movie for a long time, and even then only by very isolated scenes. The film student standing in the corner in Blair Witch. The head-on mirror hair-brushing scene in Ringu[3]. The lady standing over her husband for like 6 hours straight without moving in Paranormal Activity.

However, there are movies I find disturbing. Hostel springs to mind. Human Centipede as well, solely in prospect, because I still haven’t got up the gumption. My point is, Dumplings was a hard watch. Lotta “oh no, they’re actually doing that” combined with virtually no sympathetic characters, and no good outcomes for anyone who is. Yikes.

It’s not per se a bad movie, but I think I must disrecommend to almost anyone who has not read the above and thinks they absolutely have to know / affirmatively want to feel disturbed.

[1] Well, Hong Kong. Technically the same thing by that time, but still, I think the distinction could be relevant?
[2] who could have guessed
[3] I know how they did it. But if you accept the premise within the movie, that’s some real life ghost shit.

Rökkur

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I’ve made it to December 2021. I think this means I’m still catching up? Who can say, really. The scare was (I’m pretty sure) psychological, and the style was queer, and thus I watched Rift, a movie out of Iceland about gay dudes breaking up but then talking about it for the rest of the movie while other things also happen.

The deal is Einar is posing as maybe suicidal and then a couple of days later… no, let me go back. They’re standing at a balcony, post-breakup, and Einar is wobbling his beer bottle on the railing, and says, “This bottle is me. If I fall, do you think you could save me?” And then the bottle falls to the pavement. And then a couple days later, Gunnar gets a 3am voicemail about how he’s out in the sticks and there’s maybe someone with him. So he leaves his new boyfriend and drives out into the sticks to check on Einar, and, well, things are immediately weird, and they stay that way.

It has a tiny cast. There’s Einar and Gunnar (who if it was not clear already initiated the breakup), there’s the new boyfriend but he’s only in the prologue, and then there’s a) the helpful neighbor keeping an eye on the place, b) the creepy old farmer down the road who is introduced as probably a sexual predator, c) the girl at the convenience store who says not to pick up hitchhikers, and d) the Icelandic countryside, full of wind and emptiness and dry December grass, and bends and folds from all the volcanoes off in the distance, and abandoned buildings in states of decay. Oh, and I forgot e) the creepy red car that keeps showing up everywhere.

So yeah. The movie is 100% atmosphere, which unfortunately leaves no percentage points for making a lick of sense. But still, it’s a creepy, immersive atmosphere, and that makes up for a lot of sins, you know?

Attack the Block

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I watched the new Mario movie with my kids a couple weeks ago, and it was a) not nearly so bad as to deserve the hate I’ve seen it get, but also b) I dozed a few times and thus cannot give it the defense it deserves. All that said, early this week when I was trying to decide if I should review it without a rewatch, I was accidentally notified that my site, this one here on which you are reading this post, had been hijacked by SEO storefront people. So I wrote no review, and instead spent half a week chasing down and patching issues, and breaking things, and fixing the things I broke, plus also it appears that Shards of Delirium (again, that’s this site here) is not indexed by Google, and probably has not been for years. Which explains why the site used to feel [extremely low-key] popular, and then felt like I was the town crier to a ghost town instead, with approximately two regulars. So maybe I fixed that too? Too soon to tell.

But I was talking about the hackers. It seemed like I was playing whack-a-mole with these guys, for hours at a time. Did I plug everything up? I sure hope so, but honestly only time will tell. First I locked them out. Then I found a bunch of hijacker code and got rid of it. Then I turned everything back on, and yes it was working and looked right, but also yes I was getting just astronomical attack vectors, like multiple per second. So I locked it down at the external provider firewall level, and, oops, too much. Then I opened it enough to be usable by other people, and, oops, all attackers. So then I locked down some code internally, and now the CPU is not constantly spiking, and I get a lot less spam than I’ve been getting for the past 3 or so months, and… well, we’ll see.

Which brings me to Attack the Block, the[1] story of a band of hoodlum teens led by Finn from the new Star Wars movies, who pick Guy Fawkes day[2] to mug a nurse who will someday go on to become The Doctor, only there’s something falling out of the sky that is going to disrupt everyone’s night. So it’s Moses and his gang against pretty much everyone. The ever increasing horde of aliens who are just really laser focused on our antiheroes, and the local drug lord, and the cops, and nurse Sam who they done dirty, and their girlfriends, and… well, okay, the two little kids are mostly always on their side. But everyone else? It’s just a neverending series of obstacles that crop up again and again, and every time they fix one issue, two more pop up, and in conclusion the movie basically mirrors my fight with the SEO spammers. …except that my fight involved fewer buckets of blood and alien sword fights and above all fewer fireworks.

Alas.

I have this to say about the movie, all in all. It starts out with Moses and four or five other boys mugging a nurse, and by the end of the movie, I liked them. It was a pretty deep hole to climb out of, so, bravo! Also, though? Turn on the subtitles. I promise you’re gonna need to.

[1] I should not say “sensitive” here. It’s probably trademarked.
[2] Because the style of the randomly generated movie was “set on a holiday”. (The scare was “alien”, of course.)

Wicked: For Good

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Well that was certainly a sequel to Wicked.

Okay, look, I’m not trying to be mean to Wicked: For Good. I mean, yes the title is kind of dumb and completely undercuts what makes the song it is referencing clever. And yes that song is virtually the only good song in the second half of the musical, but you can hardly blame the movie for its source material, except insofar as it should not be slavishly devoted to it, but, I think creating new, better songs is more difficult to accomplish when you’re adapting a musical, versus just leaving out bad parts or creating new better parts when you’re adapting from some other medium.[1]

My point is, those caveats aside, I did like the first movie, and this has many of the strengths of that movie: lavishly beautiful sets that fulfill the promise of The Wizard of Oz 85 years later and fantastic main character chemistry, for examples. Of course, it is missing some strengths from the first movie as well, such as the aforementioned much less good music and 100% less Peter Dinklage.

Honestly, the biggest problem is that you cannot really just watch the first one and then stop. Maybe in a row without a break, the flaws are less obvious? That is my hope.

[1] Try to diagram that. Haha, I’m kidding, nobody except Mr. Candler remembers how to diagram sentences. I wish I could find him, to say hi.