Junkster

You know those platformer games where you are trying to collect all of the things, because collecting those things allows you to collect other things and eventually achievements, but really there’s just something satisfying about knowing you found them all? Like with the Koroks in Breath of the Wild, but if it were actually possible? Or, in this case, if it were incredibly easy.

Junkster luckily has a gimmick. Yes you’re jumping around and fighting space monsters occasionally, but also like half the game is about solving puzzles by building new paths out of the junk you find. There are all shapes and sizes of stuff, from square, to small square, to rectangle, to skinny rectangle, and you attach them to little platforms that can only hold so many, and you have to figure out the way to use them to get where you want to be. Sometimes there’s a timed puzzle element, sometimes there’s a robot you build and then navigate with, sometimes it’s just getting to somewhere impossibly far away or impossibly high. Lots of variety across the twentyish levels.

I can’t exactly recommend it, but it was a bit of not quite mindless fun spread out over like six or ten hours, and also at the end I had another 1000 points of gamerscore on my account. So, y’know.

Ready or Not: Here I Come

A thing I have not seen often is a first horror movie sequel made seven years later. A long time after the field has lain fallow is for horror movie series, sure. But for the second movie in a series? My minimal research shows a couple of Hitchcock sequels, and with Hitchcock not involved, man, I dunno. Probably Psycho II counts though, and that’s a lot longer than seven years. And okay, Aliens is also exactly seven. But I’m just saying, it’s not the norm.

This brings us to the surprise sequel to 2019’s Ready or Not, somewhat appropriately titled Ready or Not 2: Here I Come. This is a movie that understands what being a horror movie sequel is all about. It starts at the exact moment that the previous movie ended. Even better, it immediately dives into the real aftermath of a horror movie, which is the survivor is blamed by the police for pretty much everything. I respect what is happening here.

Okay, the eventual premise is a little implausible. I mean, let me walk that back. The idea that a bunch of other rich and powerful families have their own deals with Mr. Le Bail makes just perfect sense, and the idea that they form a council that controls the world from the shadows, sure, also reasonable. But the actual premise, that someone surviving the plot of the first movie triggers a new contest in which they must compete the same way and whoever kills them becomes head of said council? It’s a stretch, that’s all.

Counterpoint: who cares if it’s a stretch? If Samara Weaving is running around in her wedding dress for another couple of hours trying to survive more heavily armed murderers, who occasionally explode? I’m here for it.

And that’s it. That’s the whole review. I’ll never not watch a horror sequel with the exact same premise, if I already liked the first one. Why would I not? It’s a guarantee of a good time!

Moana (2026)

One thing I heard about the live action Moana remake is that it would have a new Lin Manuel Miranda song. And I was interested to see how they incorporated a new song into the existing plot. It turns out, they did not. Instead, it is over the credits.

I want to be clear that I like Moana. It’s pretty great all the way around, and not a pain to rewatch. (Which is good, since I have small children and a Disney+ subscription.) But the placement of the new song tells you everything you really need to know about the remake, which is that it is unnecessary. There is nothing wrong with unnecessary things. I got to sit in a darkened room watching flickering lights on a screen with my kid[1][2], and I got to eat popcorn. That’s pretty great.

But yeah, there’s no question that The Rock in a flowing wig or not, this is an unnecessary movie.

[1] “But you have two kids. And a wife!” Yes, and they were multiple seats away, having their own shared experience. I was on an end, and I got what I got.
[2] I understand that “going to the movies” has become unpopular. I don’t think I’ll ever lose the urge or the wonder, though.

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me

First, I didn’t watch Twin Peaks when it came out. Then I didn’t watch it for an additional 35(!) years. Then, the podcast people decided to[1] watch Fire Walk with Me, which meant I had to watch 32 episodes of TV to be ready for watching the movie. Which I have done, over the course of the past maybe not quite a month. And now I’m supposed to review the movie.

I was prepared for how weird the show would be. I was not prepared for how soap opera it would be. I can really see a direct throughline from this show to Passions. Which makes me sad I never went back and watched it before now, but at least it’s now. Another thing I can say is that it predicted modern television, insofar as 10 episodes for this kind of show is about perfect. The second season, at a traditional 22 episodes? It was a complete and total mess, and definitely needed to be shorter. If it had been two more seasons of 10 each, then a little shorter is still not nothing, but also the arcs would have been more tightly described I suspect.

What I loved the most is how seriously it took itself. When the FBI guy throws rocks at a bottle while the sheriff’s office reads the names of suspects, and the one that got read when he breaks the bottle becomes their prime suspect, and the sheriff’s reaction is awe at how good a detective he is? Actually, the thing I liked least about season two is when the sheriff complains that he put up with a lot of strange behavior from Cooper. Because part of what makes the show work is that nobody ridiculed him or took it as strange. It’s just how the FBI is!

Anyway. That brings me to the movie, a prequel in which some stuff happens a year ago and starring different FBI guys which had 5% bearing on the rest of the movie so far as I could tell, and then picks up during the last week of Laura Palmer’s life[2]. It’s a decent movie. As a character study of a girl who is slowly being destroyed by her family life (and her school life, but mostly her family life), and of the people around her who love her (her best friend) and who think they love her (her boyfriends, who do not know about each other, and also that family I mentioned), it’s definitely a David Lynchian character study, but that’s okay. As an explanation of how Bob and her killer interrelate, it… fell short. Massive spoilers for the show and at least partial spoilers for the movie follow, so see footnote [3].

But anyway. I cannot imagine watching this movie first, or especially as a standalone feature. It would never work. And I’m not really convinced it was entirely necessary, with a handful of exceptions. But was it good? Yeah. Mostly pretty good. And whatever else I might say about it, at least someone finally made me watch Twin Peaks.

[1] Well, random, whatever blah blah. The style was sequel plus, I remember that, but the scare? Man, it’s been weeks. I have no idea.
[2] If you do not immediately associate Twin Peaks with the phrase “Who killed Laura Palmer?” then you were not watching television in 1990. Not sure what else to tell you.

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Wish (2023)

Last time the kids picked Wish as the family night movie, I was tired and fell asleep for most of it, or maybe I was working? Whatever happened, I missed the majority of the movie. But this time when they picked it, I had nothing else going on. So now I’ve seen a somewhat recent Disney movie. Unlike Friday, when I will probably see an extremely current[1] Disney movie. (Don’t tell the kids, they don’t know yet. They may not even know I took the day off work.)

Anyway, none of that is about sorcery and making wishes and if I’m being honest, pretty mediocre songs for the most part. See, this is the problem with Disney in a nutshell. In the dawn of time when most of Hollywood had extraneous musical interludes anyway, it could be forgiven. And then when it had become habit, well, I guess. But then for a while in the ’90s with Mencken and Rice, the songs were legit good. Then I’m not sure what happened, I was away for a while. I hear Phil Collins was involved? Anyway, then in the ’10s, about half the songs in Frozen were bangers, and right after that they found Lin-Manuel Miranda. So expectations are at an all time high!

And, as I’ve said, extremely not met.

Anyway, there’s this sorcerer, right? And he figures out how to extract a person’s fondest, most heartfelt wish. He uses this knowledge to set up an island commune where people come because their wishes are unattainable, and so they come and give him their wish, and he keeps it safe, whatever that means. But also, once a month, he grants one of the wishes. That’s the setting. The plot is that the main character girl has a job interview to be his apprentice, and what she learns during the interview makes her unhappy[2], so she sings a (decent) song about wishing that the way wishes worked was better than the way they actually work here. At the end of which, she has found perhaps a better way.

Then, most of the rest of the songs are pretty terrible, excepting only the main bad guy[3] song about being underappreciated, but also the plot is a little overstretched? But then when they got to the climax, that song is pretty solid and brings most of the rest of the movie back on track. It turns out the movie was about how you should follow your dreams even if they are difficult, instead of handing them over to someone else and just hoping something randomly works out for you, and ps it probably won’t. At least if it didn’t work out for you on your own effort, you still burned with its fire your whole life instead of being an empty shell.

And that’s a pretty good message for a kid movie, really. Not even a terrible message for an adult movie, all things considered. But I’d still rather just watch Encanto[4] for the 18th time.

[1] Heh. “Current”
[2] Spoilers: she learns (or maybe we learn this during the infodump scene, it would make more sense that way I guess) that when you give up your fondest wish, you also forget it, it’s just gone out of you entirely. And then, bigger spoilers, she learns that the sorcerer picks and chooses which wishes gets granted, and never grants the ones that are potentially dangerous to the island, by which he means dangerous to his control over the island. Like how an old man’s wish to be inspirational to the next generation is too vague, and might result in some kind of revolutionary uprising. (Specific boring wishes, like wanting to be the best hairdresser, those are okay.)
[3] Awesomely, his name is Magnifico
[4] I sort of understand why I don’t have a review of Frozen. No review for Encanto is simply inexcusable, though. Whoops.

The Fall of the Readers

I have read a four book series to my (at the time[1]) five year old son. I’m not saying he saw every plot twist coming[2], but he is absolutely capable of focusing on the story and retaining information between books. I’ve been considering The Hobbit, although Mary says he’s too young for chapter five.

Anyway, The Fall of the Readers marks the end of Alice’s journey from orphaned apprentice to… well, to whatever she is destined to be, right? Can’t very well give away the farm right at the end, can I? But the point is, she has done three or four impossible things before breakfast, and it’s time to take the fight to the Readers[3] themselves. This will probably involve puzzles and mazes and friendship, like usual, you know?  And also like sacrifice, if the last couple of books are any measure.

And that’s only part one…

I declare myself satisfied with this series. It did not end the way I expected, it had a major reveal that I also did not expect, and it was worlds more my speed than a lot of the books that I read to him. I mean, I also wanted to know how things turned out! …as opposed to already knowing is most of what I mean, but also as opposed to not really caring.

[1] (As of today, he is six, you see)
[2] To be fair, I’m not saying I did, either
[3] If you know, you know. If you don’t know, well, it’s right there in the title. You can’t exactly pretend to surprise.

Malignant (2021)

I swear I’mma watch a semi-generic action movie soon. I even have one in mind! If I can just get to a stretch of more than zero movies in a row on the horror podcast that I have actually seen before. Well, it didn’t happen yet though.

Malignant is “split” for the scare and “dumb” for the style. I will say that I understand why people would have called this movie dumb, but it honestly kind of worked? Maybe better if I hadn’t pre-known the genre categories they were aiming for, but if I’m being real, I’d kind of forgotten / zoned it out by the time I actually watched.

To business! See, there’s this pregnant lady and she has had a lot of miscarriages, apparently because her boyfriend is down to just shove her into a wall so hard the back of her head caves in the drywall. But that’s okay, because a shadowy mysterious figure obliterates him later that night. And now Madison and her sister are in a race against time and the ever more suspicious police to figure out who the figure is, why she keeps having visions of his murders, what he has to do with the fact that Madison is adopted and remembers nothing of her childhood before that, and what all of this has to do with the psychiatric hospital in the first prequel scene where things were not really going well for the staff.

Were there dumb character decisions? Unquestionably. Who breaks into an abandoned hospital in the middle of the night to look for old files and just assumes everything will turn out fine? …okay, besides me. I would absolutely do that. But who else? This is not survival behavior! Was some of the plotting dumb? Here I mean plotting around certain emergences and especially certain retractions, about which I should not say more. But the special effects were cool and it did undo a previous massive plot hole.

My point is, I’ll forgive a lot when a movie can keep you guessing for a little while and is also, if not scary, at least pretty horrifying to boot. I’m not sure how I missed this one, to be honest. I think when it came out I mentally classified it as part of the Conjuring cinematic universe and then completely tuned it out. I now deem this to have been a mistake, but 5 years late is better than usual, to be honest? Still, I hope they do not make a sequel. It’s a complete story! Let it be, y’all.

Honogurai mizu no soko kara

I was so excited to see a movie in the upcoming list for my podcast that I had actually seen before. It’s been so long in a row that I’m kind of losing confidence in whether I’ve ever seen any horror movies. Then I got to the point last episode where they were doing the randomizing, and, you know what, aquatic scare, based on a book style? Yeah, that tracks. But then they did something that was incredibly obvious in retrospect but which I never saw coming. They picked the original Japanese version of Dark Water. Why wouldn’t they, unless the style was specifically “remake” or something?

Like I said, I’ve “seen” this movie, so there wasn’t a lot I needed to figure out about the plot. What details I had forgotten were non-critical, for sure. Thus, I was mostly watching for character beats. In the cast, we have: one kindergarten aged child, with no agency; one kindergarten aged ghost, with minimal agency; one ex-husband, who exists only to be an antagonist; one lawyer, who exists only to be a white knight; a handful of apartment employees, who use their agency to avoid taking responsibility for anything that’s happening; and one mother, who abrogates her agency whenever possible. Indeed, the pivotal moment of the story is her finally deciding to take an action, instead of being acted upon. (And even then, I could make a pretty compelling argument that she had no meaningful options open to her in said pivotal moment.)

If it sounds like I’m unimpressed, well, I am. But not with the acting or the plot, just with how the writing was on such hardened rails that all I could do was be annoyed with people for not making choices or with the story for not giving them any. Said story, at its bones, was this: an ex-wife is fighting for custody of her daughter against a father who never showed any interest until now, and he’s playing dirty tricks. So all her money is tied up in white knight lawyers, which means she has to get a pretty bad apartment. Like, water damage on the ceiling, cloudy water in the faucets, half the residences are empty, even the floors in some cases. And also there’s a spooky kid’s bag that keeps showing up in her daughter’s possessions, and missing child posters from years ago. And then it gets creepier.

Mood, mystery, I already mentioned acting, these were all fine. And I already complained about how few of the people who felt like real characters were also characters who could (or would) take actions. So I guess that’s the movie. All things considered, I think I liked the Jennifer Connelly version more. But, I would, wouldn’t I?

Update: I just learned from Google Translate that the name of the movie on the poster above is From the Dimly Lit Depths of the Water, and that’s just an all around better title. (I mean, unless you need to market it to American audiences as a horror movie, maybe.) So there is one thing I like better about the original, after all!

Star Wars: Outlaws

Star Wars: Outlaws is basically like if you took the serious parts of modern Grand Theft Auto games, and instead of ratcheting them up to 15[1], you replace the main character with someone likeable, who doesn’t just go around murdering anyone who gets in the way, and also the setting is, you know, familiar.

It’s like this. You are Kay Vess, a mostly orphaned thief and slicer who lives in Canto Bight[2] along with her pet… whatever he is, Nix, during the years around the height of the civil war between the Empire and the growing Rebel Alliance. After a medium-sized tutorial section in which you learn how to bet on fixed horse races, pick pockets, and climb around, you are asked to join a heist of the vault of a rich local crimelord. Only, things go sideways, and before you know it, you’re on the run, trying to clear a pretty astonishing bounty from your head, and learning how to freelance in a world galaxy full of criminal syndicates, not to mention the Empire and those pesky rebels.

I did not find everything, despite my best efforts. That said, I think I could pretty easily find everything? With a walkthrough, I mean. Because the stuff I’m missing is clearly identified. It wouldn’t be like finding all the damn koroks, for instance. But there’s really a lot to do. In addition to the main quest and various side quests, both to work with syndicates and to find people who will train you to unlock special powers, there’s lots of driving around on speeders, lots of flying around in space, lots of sneaking around in armed fortresses, lots of shootouts with bad guys, lots of Kay refusing to do anything unless there’s a paycheck in it for her, and even the most adorable mini games you’ve ever seen in which Kay and Nix eat dinner at various street cafes on various worlds.

I cannot imagine anyone ever having enjoyed an open world sandbox game about crime and not enjoying this open world sandbox game about crime, is I guess my bottom line.

Well. Unless you play open world sandbox games about crime because you really deeply identify with criminals in your actual life and wish more games would let you shoot prostitutes to retrieve your money that you spent on them a few minutes ago, I guess. I am sadly certain that demographic exists.

But if you’re anyone else, see above. And I haven’t even mentioned the part where this is maybe the best treatment of how droids exist in a galaxy far far away. Definitely top three.

[1] on a scale of 10, natch. (Here I am describing Saints Row)
[2] which you will not recognize as the casino city from The Last Jedi

The Innocents (1961)

I have a better than usual reason for not remembering the podcast categories, I mean aside from how I watched the movie days ago and have not yet reviewed it. See, their style was 1960s, okay, sure, but their scare was wildcard, which functionally means “pick a horror movie from the 1960s.” And they did!, but you can see why that would be hard to explicitly remember.

Anyway, the movie they settled on (from a group of 6 and then selected randomly) was The Innocents, a Victorian era ghost story[1] based we think on Henry Miller’s The Turn of the Screw, a book I nearly read once. I wonder if in 1961 a movie with a Victorian setting would have been considered a period piece, or if that bit of genre definition did not yet exist.

A nanny, or “governess” as the British would have us believe, is hired to nannify two orphaned children on a massive English estate off in the countryside, because the uncle who inherited them has no interest in children. So off she goes, to find a mostly empty house except for the cook and the maid and the daughter and, before long, the son. Only, there are weird sounds and musics and people up on the tower who shouldn’t be there, and before long the nanny thinks there might be ghosts around.

And then before much longer than that, she thinks the children might be possessed. And then, it’s time for a spoiler cut, because stopping here would be extremely unsatisfying for me, but reading further could potentially be unsatisfying for you.

[1] maybe?

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