Category Archives: Film

Coraline

You would think that I’d have already read the long-published book Coraline, by Neil Gaiman. I mean, he’s awesome, right? But by the time I got my hands on a copy, I already knew there’d be a movie coming out, so I’ve put it off. Of course, I kept not seeing the movie, too, which really threw the whole thing out of whack, but Wednesday rendered itself convenient, and now I can at least put the book on my shelf.

Coraline is one of those cautionary fairy tales about the dangers of skipping out on the hard parents who have your best interests, in favor of the easy ones who probably have a catch. Unfortunately, the movie failed this test by making Coraline’s parents all too unlikeable, with only a hint of the tough-but-fair paradigm I think (or at least hope) they were trying to portray. Coraline Jones and those parents have just moved into the ground floor of a rental house out in the country, where they can pursue their dreams of writing gardening books, dreams which are made ridiculously implausible by their shared dislike of dirt. Of course, the larger issue is that they’re stressed out by their lack of success and resultantly treat Coraline more like an unwanted distraction than a beloved daughter. All of which would turn into a distressingly heart-rending After-School Special except that there’s a tiny, walled-over door in the rental house’s parlor which leads to a mirror world, through a glass brightly, if you will, where Coraline’s parents dote on her and are excellent cooks, and every tenant and local are present solely to entertain Coraline in a variety of kid-friendly ways, with just the correct hint of faux-danger. In short, every child’s dream come true, much less any child living under the whiff of neglect, and possibly a bit more than a whiff, that Coraline is.

Here’s the good news. Although the cautionary portion of the tale is undercut by her parents actually being kind of harsh, instead of merely not the picture-perfect givers that self-involved kids inevitably want, the fairy tale sense of mounting dread and rich climactic action are spot on. Plus, y’know, 3D, which never seems to suck. Because, of course Coraline’s button-eyed Other Mother is different from how she initially seems. (I distinctly remember mentioning, y’know, fairy tale.) Additionally, the cat is just delightfully… cattish. I can’t say what comparison there is between book and movie, though I understand from Fresh Air that one character was created entirely for the flick. But that cat has all the right notes that makes me certain Neil wrote him first. He just understands cats like nobody’s business.

The Last House on the Left (2009)

As you may have already noticed on your own behalf, remakes are big business in Hollywood these days. Luckily?, this involves lots of horror remakes. Actually, I’m pretty sure luckily does qualify a lot of the time. I liked Wes Craven’s original The Last House on the Left, both on its own individual merits and because it seems to mark the transformative moment between all the old monster movies and Hammer pictures and such and today’s modern horror genre, chock full of slashers, torture, and overblown morality.[1] While the Wes Craven-approved remake cannot possibly live up to words like “transformative moment in genre history”, I think it might have been otherwise better than the original.

In short, some kids (the important one of whom looked what turned out to be a disturbing amount like my friend Emily) get mixed up with the wrong family of murderers while on vacation at the lake. Some deaths happen, and some rapings happen, and it is generally speaking a horrible and uncomfortable thing to watch on the screen, on par with the horribleness of the first half of I Spit on Your Grave, and for mostly the same reasons. Because, when the family of murderers shows up in a driving rainstorm at the lake house where her parents are expecting her back tomorrow, and they are looking for shelter from those parents, and nobody yet knows about the tragedy tying them all together? When this point in the movie comes the audience is almost as bloodthirsty as the parents will soon become, and they needed that horribleness to get there.

I guess what I liked about it over the original is that it didn’t have quite as much direct correlation between teens having sex and doing drugs and lying to their parents the way teens will do, and violent, disproportionate punishment at the hands of crazy people who are nevertheless a little bit vindicated by virtue of being punishers. The more realistic the movies get, the more that particular message from the ’70s changes from amusing to disturbing. Plus, even once the main event is finally on the menu[2], there’s a lot more tension and cat-and-mouse to it than the kind of non-stop actual torture scenes you get out of the second act of a Hostel knock-off.

But still, it’s pretty brutal in pursuit of justifying a payoff that you may not have wanted all that badly in the first place (though, if you are trapped in a theater and made to watch, I predict you’ll want it by the time it comes due), so I really cannot recommend it to anyone who hadn’t already intended to see it anyway. Because, after all is said and done, it doesn’t even have the historical importance of Craven’s original, which I also probably wouldn’t recommend to most people.

[1] While I freely admit that doesn’t sound like a ringing endorsement, I guess we all have a tendency to cling to that with which we grew up.
[2] Get yer mixed metaphors Right H’yere! Piping hot mixed metaphors!

I Love You, Man

Sometimes, things can be both good and disposable. Like, I guess those wedding camera things? Or the Kleenex that don’t tear as soon as you look at them sideways? Or, okay, Kelly Clarkson’s entire body of work. Plus, of course, that one movie I saw last week, I Love You, Man.

Because, was it funny? It was very funny, and often. And Jason Segel from How I Met Your Mother seems poised to be the next big new funny dude, which I heartily approve of. But there’s practically nothing else I can say about the movie, and that seems like it should be a bad thing. Except, right, the summary: so there’s this guy, Paul Rudd, and he’s only ever really had girlfriends, as opposed to dude friends or chick friends that were platonic. And now he’s on a quest to make a dude friend to be his best man, only the dude he finds maybe will end up at odds with his fiancée? Problematic, which equals hilarity in this pretty straightforward Hollywood formula. Which is really all I’m saying. I laughed, I left, I mostly forgot. Not a bad afternoon, as such things go.

Watchmen (2009)

So my normal Mondays involve some beer, some bar food, and some zombie slaughter. It is a pretty sweet deal, y’know? This Monday had its differences, though, in that I skipped the beer and food alike in favor of a brief, ultimately successful struggle to get the media company to honor the passes they had sent out for a sneak preview of Watchmen. (Okay, technically, we relied upon the kindness of strangers. But the important part is, everybody had a seat!)

So I watched it for something like two hours and forty-five minutes, and I’ve spent the subsequent day or so trying to figure out what I can possibly say about it, that I haven’t already said. The layouts and scenery shift constantly between starkly beautiful and grimily seedy with almost dizzying regularity, as a perfect counterpoint to the characters and their actions and motivations and essential, almost unstoppable humanity.[1] It’s a highly political and moral tale set at the height of communist paranoia in an alternate, superhero-laden 1985, and the thing is, I really don’t want to say any more than that because it’s worth coming to fresh.

But if you’re one of the people who didn’t come fresh, because you’ve already read Alan Moore’s original book from which this movie was drawn, I’ll say this much more: it is very probably the most faithful and effective adaptation of a literary work I have ever seen.[2] Got anything going on Friday or maybe Saturday? At least, anything you can’t cancel? Because, go see this.

[1] I might be gushing. But the story and the characters really are that good.
[2] And I was pretty happy with almost all of Peter Jackson’s choices on the Lord of the Rings movies.

Yes Man

Return of the Wednesday dollar movie, yay. Less yay is that I still haven’t seen Friday the 13th’s remake yet. But that’s okay, because I will. What I did see was Yes Man, a very much by-the-numbers romantic comedy in which Jim Carrey meets the beautifully-voiced and pleasantly quirkily-featured Zooey Deschanel by virtue of saying yes to everything that comes his way.

Jim, you see, is this sad sack of a guy who got divorced several years ago and has pretty much given up. Whatever he does not commit to experiencing cannot disappoint him, so he commits to nothing. Except, he runs into an ex-coworker at an extremely low point and gets talked into a seminar about the power of “Yes!” From there forward, his life turns into a whirlwind of adventure and romance that has only one possible flaw. Well, okay, maybe two. I’d hate to spoil them, though.

Both the movie’s apparent message and especially its underlying actual message have a lot to recommend them, for anyone who is in shutdown mode. Pleasant though it would be, the world won’t come to you. (And I say that as someone for whom it actually did, once.) If you’re happy, that’s as far as it goes, and more power to you. But if you’re not, you pretty much have to stop waiting and get out there outside your numbed comfort zone and find the good things. And it will suck part of the time, but without the risk, you won’t ever get out of the hole. Also, though, you can swing too far in that direction. So don’t do that one either?

I guess my point is, if I didn’t think pretty highly of my present circumstances, I would find this movie inspiring instead of merely competently funny and exceedingly fun.

Push (2009)

You know what’s cool? There are just so many movies right now that have science fiction and/or superhero themes going. And it’s much like the present horror renaissance, in that so many genre films coming down the pipe means a lot of them will be not so good. But the whole point of that is that you inevitably end up with the real gems now and again. Which brings us to Push, which in all honesty looked from the previews like someone had watched Jumper and said to themselves, hey, I can make that movie too!

And, okay, instead of teleporters and evil paladins, they have telekinetics and future-drawers and mind controllers and a whole host of additional powered people, plus the U.S. government and the Triads. And they all run around Hong Kong, trying to find a drug that the consistently-talented Dakota Fanning’s mom says will bring down the feds. Who are kind of evil, maybe? But not as bad as the Triads.

Here’s the thing. It has plot holes you could drive a truck through, and it is at core a little bit silly. But it was damn fun! And it had drunk Dakota Fanning! I’m pretty sure that in the next five to ten years, she is going to be an incredible actress, and good for her. And ultimately, I kind of figure that whoever made Push was basically making Jumper again. What I forgot to consider until the movie made me realize it is that it’s possible to make Jumper again, but to make a good version. And that is pretty much what this was. Yay, that.

Black Hawk Down

First Netflix movie in quite a while, I am thinking! I’ve been watching some TV there, so that’s part of why, but certainly my extremely slow usage rate is involved as well. I’m so glad there are now lots of streaming options, as it makes my membership almost valid again, monetarily. Anyhow, what I saw was Black Hawk Down, the moderately (and perhaps excessively) true story of a peace-keeping mission in Somalia in 1993 that went entirely pear-shaped.

And, you know, it was in no particular way a bad movie. It’s chock-full of actors that have since gone on to be awesome, plus several more who already were. It was pretty damn dramatic, and tense and actiony with all the shooting and the explosions and the certain death lurking around every corner, and, y’know, that was the problem. I went ahead and watched it because I had it, and I couldn’t guarantee things would change anytime soon, but I was just not in the mood for a story about tragic, hopeless odds, and the non-overcoming of adversity. Heroism galore, yes, but it still left me entirely depressed, and that was with realizing I wasn’t in the mood for it and doing internet stuff at the same time instead of focusing my full attention.

In the unlikely event that I see it again and (more importantly) am ready to see it, I’ll try this review again, because it’s just completely unfair as presented.

Outlander

So, you know the story of Beowulf, right? He started killing monsters to make people think he was awesome, and eventually became the king, and he even killed a space dragon? Wait, I meant a regular dragon. That’s a weird typo! I… I may have shown my hand too quickly? In Outlander, see, there’s this guy from space, and he crash-lands because a couple of alien monsters screwed up his ship. And then he teams up with a bunch of vikings named Hrothgar and Wulfric and Boromir and Viking Kate Winslet and Erik, and they fight against the aliens and do things like be noble and dramatic and fall in love.

It’s a little hard to believe that this concept made it beyond the Sci-Fi channel’s weekend line-up, but the truth is, it’s more than good enough for that. As cheesy science fiction goes, it was pretty much top of the barrel. (I mean, it was still cheesy in a lot of ways, make no mistake!) It had a displacer beast! And an alien food bank! And a genocide sub-theme that ultimately seemed to come out in favor? Yeah, okay, I’m not too sure about that part either, but it was still a pretty awesome movie.

Taken (2008)

MV5BMTM4NzQ0OTYyOF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMDkyNjQyMg@@._V1__SX1859_SY847_So, you know how in Europe, there are all these unscrupulous Albanians and Serbians and other Iron Curtainers running around kidnapping people, for the purpose of letting them be tortured to death or else sold into sexual slavery? Here’s a thing that I maintain would be a bad idea: being one of those people, and kidnapping Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn’s daughter. I mean, if he were allowed to be angry and have thoughts of revenge. So, Sith Master Qui-Gon Jinn, I guess is what I mean. Also, he and Jack Bauer probably hang out over beers, sometimes.

I predict this is enough information to tell you whether you’ll like Taken. In case you’re on the fence, don’t forget that Liam Neeson cannot help but lend pathos and gravitas to every role he plays. It drips off of him like sweat off some guy named Keith.

Walled In

One of the few things that’s pretty cool about the Studio Movie Grill as a chain is that they get quite a few sneak preview movies, and it’s usually pretty easy to get into them. Sure, it’s not like the Alamo Drafthouse, where I can watch crazy old movies from the ’60s and ’70s that are all but impossible to find except in people’s personal film collections, but which get loaned out on occasion. But the SMG previews have never been a bad time; I mean, look at Tropic Thunder!

Except, here’s the thing about Walled In: It kind of is a crazy old movie from the ’70s. In several subtle ways, it reminded me of the Italian horror field from that time. I mean, nothing that actually happened, but the mood of the thing, and the inability to pull a coherent plot thread from one end of the movie to the other. Which, other than the pleasant nostalgia, was kind of a problem; don’t get me wrong. See, there’s this architect/construction chick who has been tapped to plan the demolition of a seriously awesome condo/apartment building, in the middle of a swamp by itself, that was designed by a very famous architect who has never lost a building to earthquakes, hurricanes, fires, or whatever. And this was his last building: while he lived there, some other dude went crazy and buried a bunch of his murder victims in the walls, including our famous architect. And now there are only four people still living in the building, which I forgot to mention has some spiritual similarity to the building in Ghostbusters, in that you can tell just by looking that it was probably laid out in such a way as to summon Gozer the Gozerian, when the time is ripe. Or something just like that.

And then things get weird and inexplicable, in the way that Italian horror movies do. I can’t exactly recommend it, or even describe it as good. But it did evoke its mood just perfectly, and I believe there are a few people out in the world, maybe even dozens, who know exactly what I mean and would be thrilled to see this, once. Maybe twice, if it was with someone else who would also know, but missed it the first time.

As a final note, this was shipped to the theater on DVD instead of film. You could tell because of the DVD notification right before it started, plus the occasional “Property of Anchor Bay” that flashed across the bottom of the screen at sporadic intervals. I cannot help but think that this was an unintentional prophecy about the flick’s eventual release. Any takers?