Tag Archives: torture porn

Haunt (2019)

2 Replies

Sometimes horror movies are thoughtful and disturbing explorations of the darkness our collective psyche can contain; other times they’re gory morality tales about the dangers of behaving like a teenager. But also sometimes, they’re nothing more than a skeleton-thin premise around which to hang 90 minutes of growing discomfort and torture for no reason whatsoever.

Haunt is Hostel, except if the people who like to torture and eventually murder continent- and bar-hopping college student types decided that kidnapping them first was too much trouble, so they set up a haunted house experience instead. Sure, the upfront work is maybe a lot, but at least the victims walk in the front door and pay you for the privilege.

Pros: slow burn on the tension meter, with things not really going pear-shaped until the last third of the movie. Very creepy masks. Zero indication of why the bad guys are doing what they’re doing. (You can say that doesn’t go in the pro column, but I like the elemental force of nature killers that just happen to other people more, on average, than I like the ones with a real backstory.)

Cons: Torture porn is torture porn, dress it up how you will. Also, they spent a little too much effort on the mysterious past of the Final Girl, with no particular payoff to show for it. That would shave an extra ten minutes off the flick right there. Oh, and too many spiders.

Hostel: Part II

I had a seriously hard time reviewing the first Hostel, too. That time, I think the problem that was it was entirely plausible from start to finish, so it was hard to criticize any part of it. And since I try not to go the spoiler route, there wasn’t much left to present but vignettes. Hostel II is less plausible, although still quite good. Where the first movie had an underground torture-murder society that operated out of a run down factory and advertised to the wealthy via fliers, this one has an elite internet bidding system and an impenetrable fortress with five different kinds of security that I can think of offhand. Which, while good for the wealthy murderous clients, is unfortunate for potential sequels. There’s a fine line to be tread between knowing good guys will survive and knowing they won’t; at the former extreme, the movie is too predictable, and at the latter, it’s too oppressive.

Anyhow, despite these sequel-destroying differences, the movie is basically a duplicate of the original. Which is exactly how a horror movie is supposed to work, so this is definitely a point in favor. Instead of a trio of guys in search of easy European sex, our hero-victims are a trio of girls in search of relaxing European mineral spas. And instead of a bunch of cardboard cut-out bad guys and a two-dimensional antagonist, we have a two-dimensional mastermind and a couple of fully realized antagonists. So, less nudity versus a deeper plot. And you know, until I put it like that, I was thinking that this marked an improvement in the overall experience. Man, that would have been embarrassing.

It was a good movie and a worthy sequel. Its main flaw is one that is unavoidable in almost every horror sequel (and most first movies, for that matter) ever made: not enough real tension. The majority of the tension that drove the original is necessarily removed from this one due to the lack of novelty. On the other hand, there was a scene in which Anne Rice bathed in the blood of a virgin. You have to admit, that’s pretty cool!

Hostel

Things I Learned While Watching Hostel Last Night:

1) Americans are miserable tourists, reviled throughout Europe. Luckily, someone is doing something about this.
2) Eastern European chicks are really hot, and when eventually I’ve given up all hope, at least the mail-order bride thing is still an option. (Although some of them could stand to be a bit less evil.)
3) Guilt- and consequence-free sex is not to be lightly refused, as you are no more likely to be killed for having it than you are to be safe from doom for avoiding it. (NOTE: Does not apply to Camp Crystal Lake and environs.)
4) When possible, do not vomit while wearing a ball-gag. It will almost never end well.
5) I’d rather have holes drilled into my leg than be hamstrung.
6) In the highly unlikely event that a perfect revenge scenario appears fully formed behind a pizza delivery truck, well, cool beans. Take it, for it won’t come by again.

(Okay, let’s be honest. You weren’t going to see this movie. But on the off-chance that you’re still up in the air about it, that ought to be enough data to allow you to make up your mind. Carry on.)