On a dare, I watched a drive-in movie from exactly 50 years ago starring Lee Van Cleef and Not Bruce Lee[1], called The Stranger and the Gunfighter. I think the country of origin must have been Spain, based on the original language of the title and where it was filmed, but a case can still be made for Italian, and not just because of the director or the purported genre. Anyway, you have not seen this movie and will not see this movie, so I’ll break it down. You have been warned.

Lee Van Cleef is a thief everyone seems to know and like, except for the law in Monterrey, who aim to hang him for the crimes of a) blowing up a safe in the bank, b) killing the safe’s owner (Wang[2]) in the explosion, and c) making off with his fortune. The problem is, he b) tried to convince the owner not to run toward the lit dynamite, and c) there was no fortune, just pictures of four ladies in various states of bedroom [un]dress, and an old fortune cookie. (He has no real defense for a), that one happened.)

Meanwhile, Wang’s nephew and his whole family are in trouble in China because Wang stole the local warlord’s money instead of using it in America to make everyone rich. But the nephew is a Kung Fu master, so the warlord lets him go investigate. He arrives before LVC is hung, and they come to a common arrangement, which is to follow the instructions on the fortune cookie and closely examine the asses of the four women, which will lead them to Wang’s treasure, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

The women are as follows: a horny American Christian, a Russian whore, an Italian musician (she plays a stringed instrument I did not recognize per se), and a Chinese laundress. It’s basically a GI Joe fetch quest, with the part of Cobra being played by an evil preacher who had previously been involved with the horny American, but abandoned her at the first whiff of a treasure.

If this all sounds pretty hilarious, a) I’m doing my job, and b) it’s actually funnier than you think it is. Eventually, they solve all the issues, see all the asses, and find the treasure, yay[3]! So if you ever liked a Lee Van Cleef movie, or if Kung Fu Westerns sound great, or especially if you do not have enough images of Chinese men examining buttocks through a jeweler’s lens burned into your memory, and also if you have a lot of booze? This is the movie for you!

[1] I mean, nowhere near Bruce Lee. You ain’t gonna be fooled, and you wouldn’t have been then either. I just think that the Italian director considered him to be as Bruce Lee as they could afford.
[2] I have high confidence this name was chosen purely so people would snicker in a culturally inappropriate manner
[3] The real treasure was the asses they met along the way