I know I said I have a lot of new movies from the horror podcast in a row, and this is evidence of that. But even though it’s only been a few days, I could zero percent remember the categories they randomized! I’m just astonishingly bad at that. But okay, they tell me right at the beginning of the episode, which makes things easier. So anyway, Green Room is at the intersection of “hunter/hunted” as the scare and “critically acclaimed” as the style.

Which, of course it’s critically acclaimed! It has Patrick Stewart in it, what else would you expect?!

The premise is at least relatively straightforward. Unsuccessful punk band on tour in the Pacific Northwest, and they’re on their way home, one siphoned gas tank at a time (because of how they are not successfully earning the money to pay for the gas for the tour, much less any extra). Once their out-of-the-way stop based on a fan tip is a complete bust, he apologizes by promising them something that really will make them money, and is not out of the way. Just, don’t talk politics with them, because they’re the kind of punk music fans that shave their heads and have lightning bolt tattoos, if you know what I mean. …and I think you just might.

So of course they piss off the Nazis at the Nazi bar by playing as their first song something whose chorus is basically (or literally? I don’t recall) “fuck Nazis!”, but then before they are thrown bottlesed off the stage, they settle into music that is a little more palatable. So I guess everything would have been okay, only when they took their break between sets they went into the wrong, and I use this term only because the movie heavily implies it via the title, green room, and saw something they should not have seen, and suddenly they’re in a tense standoff.

I think what makes this movie the most horrifying, aside from the extensive gore I mean, is how true it is. This is exactly the kind of situation you could really find yourself in, with just one or two bad choices and a lot of bad luck. No isolated, inbred families or youth cults required, just people that we all know exist and try to stay away from the places where they congregate. …until we don’t, because gasoline tastes terrible, and options have truly run that low.

The lesson is, no they didn’t. Your options have never run this low, and your safest path to survival is realizing it. Oh well. I’m sure Patrick Stewart will be cool about the whole thing, though, right?

…right?