Tag Archives: horror

Fresh (2022)

I’m going to skip out on mentioning the scare of this podcast-instigated movie, because honestly even knowing the genre is bad enough of a spoiler without going into detail. The style was “female director”, which makes honestly a lot of sense, as focused as the movie is on the frustrations and fears that women face in the dating world. So I would say it delivered here, and it thoroughly delivered on the scare. You know, the one I’m not mentioning.

Fresh stars Daisy Edgar-Jones[1] as a single girl in like Portland maybe?, who is tired of online dating. Evidence: the first scene in which a literal Chad takes her on a crappy date, insults her date garb, then gets pissy when she doesn’t want the date to continue. So it’s just her and her sassy best friend against the world, except that she meets Sebastian Stan at the grocery store, via his best line about cotton candy grapes. And then they start dating, and then they bang, and then they go away for the weekend, and then… well, for one thing, and then, bam, title card! Some 30 or 40 minutes into the movie. Title card, and opening credits. Possibly a bit too clever, but it worked for me.

Anyway, what’s important here is, it turns out that this romantic comedy might have a second, underlying genre, if you know what I mean and I think you must, considering the subject matter of Random Number Generator Horror Podcast #9. So now our characters must untangle their situationship and find out if two crazy kids can find a way to make it in a world which mostly caters to billionaires and married people.

The reason I’m caring so much about spoilers here, anyway, is because I really very much liked the movie, and you should too! It’s pretty solid throughout, except that the ending was just a little bit twee. Still, though, the ride between point B and point C is legit, even if point C was a bit of a letdown.

[1] who you don’t know from the War of the Worlds TV series from 2019, and probably don’t know from anything else, even though her name is maddeningly familiar.

Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man

Been a minute since a new podcast movie. Partly this is because I’ve been out of the house a lot the past few weeks due to various broken things. Partly because even before that I finally got several “I’ve already seen this” in a row podcast episodes that required no film viewing. But also enough time passed since I knew I needed to watch this one that I’ve completely forgotten the categories.

Twenty seconds of research later… this movie’s scare was werewolf, and the style was sequel plus. Which brings us to maybe the very first movie to establish a cinematic universe: Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man. So what happens is, Larry Talbot was killed in his Wolfman movie, and Frankenstein’s monster was killed in his Frankenstein movie, and the execs at Universal Pictures had a real pickle on their hands when they realized that, hey, it’s the 1940s and both Boris Karloff and Lon Chaney are still alive, we have to cash in on this, only, how???

So in phase one (of the plan, not the MCU[1]), some graverobbers open Talbot’s crypt, but it’s a) night time, b) a full moon, and c) they foolishly covered the crypt in wolfsbane, which they justifiably thought would repel werewolves instead of resurrecting them, but oops, now he’s alive again. And still a wolf, and still miserable about being a wolf, so in phase two he goes and finds a gypsy lady from his previous movie who tells him that Baroness Elsa Frankenstein might be able to help him not be immortal via her father’s research into life after death, under the theory that death after life is probably the same wheelhouse I guess.

So off they go, pissing off a bunch of villagers who are not a fan of the dude who owned the castle up the hill, and hey, uh-oh, those burned bones they found must have belonged to someone else, because here’s the Monster frozen in the side of a wall. All that’s left is to have some gratuitous racism[2] against the old gypsy woman, find a mad scientist willing to hook up electrodes to those neck bolts, and also for some reason let’s keep doing this stuff only when the moon is full, no way we could wait an extra week before getting started, is there, and before you know it, the battle of the century is underway.

Chaney’s wolfman is appropriately soulful, never missing a chance to express his misery with either word, expression, or deed. Karloff’s monster would be a cipher cum caricature, until you remember that no, this is what other people were caricaturing in the first place. All in all, it was a whole lot of plot getting in the way of a disappointingly short battle royale, but still worth having seen. I think the only one of these I’ve seen before is the one with Abbott and Costello, and you have to admit they were intellectually bankrupt by that point in the, let’s say, series.

This one, by contrast, worked very hard to be an actual sequel to both movies it was combining, back when nobody even knew that could be done. If nothing else, respect for the ground they broke!

[1] Monster Cinematic Universe. They kinda get dibs on the acronym, to be honest.
[2] The danger of a period piece that was still made almost a hundred years ago is you cannot tell if the people being so casually and pointlessly racist are themselves caricatures that show the then-modern audience how far we’ve come, or if, no, that’s just racist script-writers and directors playing to a racist audience. …but probably it’s the second one.

Shake Rattle & Roll 2k5

So here’s a twist. There’s a fifteen movie horror anthology series from the Philippines, and I’ve literally never heard of it. Anyway, the podcast randomization was giant blank as the scare, and anthology as the style, and that anthology series is what they picked. I have no idea how they selected this particular entry in the series, which had no giant anythings. But Shake Rattle & Roll 2k5 was certainly an anthology, at least. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t very good.

So, first story was a comedic take on a spirit talker medium lady who is also a scam artist, and her crew that helps her pull off seeming convincingly spooky. They take one last job, and, whoops, the spooky stuff is real this time! It was never quite funny, and never quite spooky, but it was enough of each.

In the second story, there’s a haunted aquarium, though it seemed to me like the mask in the aquarium was the bigger problem, and the family (mother, father, son, live-in maid) who just moved into the condo must deal with said haunted aquarium. More spooky, but less funny.

The third story lost all pretense of being funny at all, when a dude and his pregnant girlfriend or maybe wife move away from the inlaws, but into a nest of Filipino folk shapeshifter cannibals. Except for no main character having a motivation that made a lick of sense, this one was okay.

All in all: meh. …or maybe I needed to have watched one through six. Plus, I paid $2 for the dubious please of its company, which cannot have helped my attitude.

Scream 7

The SCU strikes again!

Scream 7 is, in all ways that it is important to be, a Scream movie. It has a villain or villains who want to right a perceived wrong by killing Sidney Prescott. It has a news reporter hoping to make a big break and/or comeback. It has a character who is desperate to explain the rules of Scream movies. It has absolute buckets of blood spilled by various stab wounds, most of which should be far more debilitating than they turn out to be. Are you really looking for something else here?

I was, it turns out. I shouldn’t have been, it was a mistake. But two important things happened to lead me in the wrong direction.

  1. There was a really catastrophically dumb mislead just for the purpose of being a mislead, and the worst part is I could have fixed it in the script with maybe ten or twenty seconds of different dialogue and slightly different actions, with no long term damage to the end product.
  2. Well, okay, two is a massive spoiler, so behind the cut it goes.

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MaXXXine

Remember X? Back when I watched that movie and its prequel in a row one lovely Friday night, the sequel to X had not yet been released. And then of course time did what it does, but in the past couple of days I finally saw MaXXXine, which is as I said a sequel to X, but it’s not not a sequel to Pearl. The characters share nearly as much as the actors do, and that’s really saying something.

We pick up Maxine Minx six years later, reaching the end of her shelf life as a very popular porn actress but still determined to break into real Hollywood stardom. And it looks like she’s finally found her way in, if it wasn’t for all the pesky murders swirling around her. Again.

The one thing that makes me sad is I cannot place what movie this is probably an homage to. Well, two things counting the spoiler below the cut.

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The Addiction (1995)

It’s been a while since I have been faced with categories this easy to remember. I have never heard of The Addiction, but boy howdy did it meet the intersection of vampires as scare and 1990s as style. You know how Clerks screams indie comedy, from the dawn of independent cinema? This is like that, but for thesis horror, here defined as “horror for people who would never admit that horror has value, so I made an art house flick instead.”

So what’s actually happening is Lili Taylor is an NYU philosophy student, grappling with important topics like who, at a generation’s remove from the events, was the actual bad guy in Vietnam? But between walking around town to the soothing strains of gangster rap, she gets introduced to heroin.[1] And then she takes the heroin to each of her friends and classmates and professors who she is also dating, and gets them addicted to heroin as well. At one point, a dude tries to tell her about Jesus, and he does not get addicted to heroin, but neither does she quit her addiction and move to the suburbs.

That’s it. That’s the whole movie.

Wait. You said this was a thesis horror movie dressed up as art house drama. That’s just purely arthouse drama. What gives?

Oh. Crap. Um. Let me do some quick rewrites here. Um, let’s see. Okay, what if she’s bitten by a vampire, and then wanders around doing soliloquies in dark sunglasses about who the bad guy really is, but also turning all of her classmates and friends and professors who she is also dating into vampires? And the vampirism is a metaphor for heroin, you see.

Ah. Yes, that would fix it.

Well there you go then!

[1] Or maybe meth, but I think it’s too early to have been movie meth, even in movie New York.

Ready or Not: Here I Come

A thing I have not seen often is a first horror movie sequel made seven years later. A long time after the field has lain fallow is for horror movie series, sure. But for the second movie in a series? My minimal research shows a couple of Hitchcock sequels, and with Hitchcock not involved, man, I dunno. Probably Psycho II counts though, and that’s a lot longer than seven years. And okay, Aliens is also exactly seven. But I’m just saying, it’s not the norm.

This brings us to the surprise sequel to 2019’s Ready or Not, somewhat appropriately titled Ready or Not 2: Here I Come. This is a movie that understands what being a horror movie sequel is all about. It starts at the exact moment that the previous movie ended. Even better, it immediately dives into the real aftermath of a horror movie, which is the survivor is blamed by the police for pretty much everything. I respect what is happening here.

Okay, the eventual premise is a little implausible. I mean, let me walk that back. The idea that a bunch of other rich and powerful families have their own deals with Mr. Le Bail makes just perfect sense, and the idea that they form a council that controls the world from the shadows, sure, also reasonable. But the actual premise, that someone surviving the plot of the first movie triggers a new contest in which they must compete the same way and whoever kills them becomes head of said council? It’s a stretch, that’s all.

Counterpoint: who cares if it’s a stretch? If Samara Weaving is running around in her wedding dress for another couple of hours trying to survive more heavily armed murderers, who occasionally explode? I’m here for it.

And that’s it. That’s the whole review. I’ll never not watch a horror sequel with the exact same premise, if I already liked the first one. Why would I not? It’s a guarantee of a good time!

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me

First, I didn’t watch Twin Peaks when it came out. Then I didn’t watch it for an additional 35(!) years. Then, the podcast people decided to[1] watch Fire Walk with Me, which meant I had to watch 32 episodes of TV to be ready for watching the movie. Which I have done, over the course of the past maybe not quite a month. And now I’m supposed to review the movie.

I was prepared for how weird the show would be. I was not prepared for how soap opera it would be. I can really see a direct throughline from this show to Passions. Which makes me sad I never went back and watched it before now, but at least it’s now. Another thing I can say is that it predicted modern television, insofar as 10 episodes for this kind of show is about perfect. The second season, at a traditional 22 episodes? It was a complete and total mess, and definitely needed to be shorter. If it had been two more seasons of 10 each, then a little shorter is still not nothing, but also the arcs would have been more tightly described I suspect.

What I loved the most is how seriously it took itself. When the FBI guy throws rocks at a bottle while the sheriff’s office reads the names of suspects, and the one that got read when he breaks the bottle becomes their prime suspect, and the sheriff’s reaction is awe at how good a detective he is? Actually, the thing I liked least about season two is when the sheriff complains that he put up with a lot of strange behavior from Cooper. Because part of what makes the show work is that nobody ridiculed him or took it as strange. It’s just how the FBI is!

Anyway. That brings me to the movie, a prequel in which some stuff happens a year ago and starring different FBI guys which had 5% bearing on the rest of the movie so far as I could tell, and then picks up during the last week of Laura Palmer’s life[2]. It’s a decent movie. As a character study of a girl who is slowly being destroyed by her family life (and her school life, but mostly her family life), and of the people around her who love her (her best friend) and who think they love her (her boyfriends, who do not know about each other, and also that family I mentioned), it’s definitely a David Lynchian character study, but that’s okay. As an explanation of how Bob and her killer interrelate, it… fell short. Massive spoilers for the show and at least partial spoilers for the movie follow, so see footnote [3].

But anyway. I cannot imagine watching this movie first, or especially as a standalone feature. It would never work. And I’m not really convinced it was entirely necessary, with a handful of exceptions. But was it good? Yeah. Mostly pretty good. And whatever else I might say about it, at least someone finally made me watch Twin Peaks.

[1] Well, random, whatever blah blah. The style was sequel plus, I remember that, but the scare? Man, it’s been weeks. I have no idea.
[2] If you do not immediately associate Twin Peaks with the phrase “Who killed Laura Palmer?” then you were not watching television in 1990. Not sure what else to tell you.

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Malignant (2021)

I swear I’mma watch a semi-generic action movie soon. I even have one in mind! If I can just get to a stretch of more than zero movies in a row on the horror podcast that I have actually seen before. Well, it didn’t happen yet though.

Malignant is “split” for the scare and “dumb” for the style. I will say that I understand why people would have called this movie dumb, but it honestly kind of worked? Maybe better if I hadn’t pre-known the genre categories they were aiming for, but if I’m being real, I’d kind of forgotten / zoned it out by the time I actually watched.

To business! See, there’s this pregnant lady and she has had a lot of miscarriages, apparently because her boyfriend is down to just shove her into a wall so hard the back of her head caves in the drywall. But that’s okay, because a shadowy mysterious figure obliterates him later that night. And now Madison and her sister are in a race against time and the ever more suspicious police to figure out who the figure is, why she keeps having visions of his murders, what he has to do with the fact that Madison is adopted and remembers nothing of her childhood before that, and what all of this has to do with the psychiatric hospital in the first prequel scene where things were not really going well for the staff.

Were there dumb character decisions? Unquestionably. Who breaks into an abandoned hospital in the middle of the night to look for old files and just assumes everything will turn out fine? …okay, besides me. I would absolutely do that. But who else? This is not survival behavior! Was some of the plotting dumb? Here I mean plotting around certain emergences and especially certain retractions, about which I should not say more. But the special effects were cool and it did undo a previous massive plot hole.

My point is, I’ll forgive a lot when a movie can keep you guessing for a little while and is also, if not scary, at least pretty horrifying to boot. I’m not sure how I missed this one, to be honest. I think when it came out I mentally classified it as part of the Conjuring cinematic universe and then completely tuned it out. I now deem this to have been a mistake, but 5 years late is better than usual, to be honest? Still, I hope they do not make a sequel. It’s a complete story! Let it be, y’all.

Honogurai mizu no soko kara

I was so excited to see a movie in the upcoming list for my podcast that I had actually seen before. It’s been so long in a row that I’m kind of losing confidence in whether I’ve ever seen any horror movies. Then I got to the point last episode where they were doing the randomizing, and, you know what, aquatic scare, based on a book style? Yeah, that tracks. But then they did something that was incredibly obvious in retrospect but which I never saw coming. They picked the original Japanese version of Dark Water. Why wouldn’t they, unless the style was specifically “remake” or something?

Like I said, I’ve “seen” this movie, so there wasn’t a lot I needed to figure out about the plot. What details I had forgotten were non-critical, for sure. Thus, I was mostly watching for character beats. In the cast, we have: one kindergarten aged child, with no agency; one kindergarten aged ghost, with minimal agency; one ex-husband, who exists only to be an antagonist; one lawyer, who exists only to be a white knight; a handful of apartment employees, who use their agency to avoid taking responsibility for anything that’s happening; and one mother, who abrogates her agency whenever possible. Indeed, the pivotal moment of the story is her finally deciding to take an action, instead of being acted upon. (And even then, I could make a pretty compelling argument that she had no meaningful options open to her in said pivotal moment.)

If it sounds like I’m unimpressed, well, I am. But not with the acting or the plot, just with how the writing was on such hardened rails that all I could do was be annoyed with people for not making choices or with the story for not giving them any. Said story, at its bones, was this: an ex-wife is fighting for custody of her daughter against a father who never showed any interest until now, and he’s playing dirty tricks. So all her money is tied up in white knight lawyers, which means she has to get a pretty bad apartment. Like, water damage on the ceiling, cloudy water in the faucets, half the residences are empty, even the floors in some cases. And also there’s a spooky kid’s bag that keeps showing up in her daughter’s possessions, and missing child posters from years ago. And then it gets creepier.

Mood, mystery, I already mentioned acting, these were all fine. And I already complained about how few of the people who felt like real characters were also characters who could (or would) take actions. So I guess that’s the movie. All things considered, I think I liked the Jennifer Connelly version more. But, I would, wouldn’t I?

Update: I just learned from Google Translate that the name of the movie on the poster above is From the Dimly Lit Depths of the Water, and that’s just an all around better title. (I mean, unless you need to market it to American audiences as a horror movie, maybe.) So there is one thing I like better about the original, after all!