It is Saturday. Which means the first night of the Horrorfest thingy is over. Which means that I watched three movies last night, sure, but it also means I only got four or so hours of sleep last night. The part where I have three more movies to watch tonight? It’ll probably be tough. But that’s okay, because I got a t-shirt out of the deal, plus lots and lots of movies. Makes me feel more like myself again. The only downside so far is that there have only been three new previews in total, and nothing to get me excited the way Slither[1] did this time last year. Well, and the aforementioned lack of sleep. Nevertheless, I forge ahead, because falling behind at this point would be suicide. Literally!

The first movie of the night was Dark Ride, a by the numbers psycho teen killer thriller. Some years ago, one of the ubiquitous carnivals along the Jersey shore was closed down when it was discovered that a teenager had been living in the unlikelily literally-named Dark Ride, snatching people out of the cars as they came by (it’s like a haunted house, but with a track running through it so you don’t have to deal with all that irritating exercise) and killing them in gruesome ways. Years later, a set of circumstances converge to create mayhem: the ride is finally scheduled to reopen, the psycho killer has escaped from his mental hospital, and Meadow Soprano and her friends drive through the town on their way to spring break. And of course, like all good college students, they cannot resist the opportunity to break into the abandoned ride and spend the night taking drugs and engaging in premarital sex. After all, it’s far cheaper than a motel room would have been.

I’m going with the Joe Bob style of review summation, because it’s just that kind of weekend. Seven bodies. Two breasts. Head rolls. One of the most psychologically damaging sex scenes I’ve ever witnessed. Drive-in academy award nomination to the psycho killer, for menacingly dragging a scythe along the wall throwing off sparks despite never using it as a weapon, and to the crazy hitchhiker girl for saying, “So, I hit him in a very sensitive place, if you know what I mean. DING-DONG! Of course, I lost my ride.” I came away from this movie with two important lessons: 1) Never slap a vegetarian on the head with meat. 2) No statement that begins with ‘Guess what I found in the bathroom!’ will ever end well.

[1] Now available on DVD!